Okay - so I've got a couple of observations to make - I think your story is pretty much there, though I do think there's a lack of actual conflict in your story, which comes from the fact that your two sisters are so understanding of each other from the very beginning. It makes me think why the two twins hadn't sorted this out before? Would it change your story very much if the cleaner twin was jealous of the other one - and sees an opportunity to pretend to be her (replace her) by perhaps causing the other twin to be unavailable for a performance? She performs badly - the ring-master fires her - Maisie feels bad - the twins realise their a stronger team together and you have your ending? It just feels all bit too reasonable and nice at the moment and I think that's always a bit of a problem for a 3 act story. Really, it's only a tweak, but if you make the twins rivals at the beginning, I think things become a bit more exciting and there's more tension in Act 2.
My instincts are there's too much dialogue - I think you could accomplish a lot of the communication of what your characters are thinking and feeling by showing it as opposed to having your characters tell the audience. Think about how Hitchcock created the scene between Marion and the stolen money when she was packing her suitcase. When I look at your storyboard, it feels a little bit like television - lots of characters talking to each other reasonably in rooms (and I think some of this is coming from the lack of conflict in your story). I don't want this to sound destructive - I suspect it's easier than you think to introduce some of these changes. I guess I don't think you're fully exploiting the fact this is 'for animation' - for example, the performance scenes could be comprised of many more shots to create the excitement of the act etc. And when Maisie's performance is bombing you could direct that moment to feel really 'subjective' - so making us worry about her because we know she could fall or get it wrong - cutting to the ring-master's puzzled expression, cutting to the faces in the crowds as they begin to boo or whatever, cutting back to Maisie's expression, cutting down to her feet on the rope... I think you could be having a bit more fun as the director here - and involving us in your shots a little more.
Finally - I want to say a few words about your approach to your designs. It does feel as if you're not actually applying some of Justin's principles in terms of use of shapes. To me, you're drawing people here, not designing characters (i.e. 2D representations of characters that you're designing to be 3D models one day). Your designs lack the necessary understanding of shape and structure which is why they are a bit generic and soft. It's also difficult for me to discern a 'time and place' in terms of where and when your characters are meant to be situated. My advice is you change up your method for visualising your characters - I think you need to stop sketching and painting, and start 'building' and 'constructing' - take a look at these design sheets from the Secret of Kells - when you look at them 'really' look at them and see how shape-based they are, and how simple those key shapes are, and then look at how the detailing is added in later:
I think your ring-master should be a very different 'shape' to your two twins, for example - he needs to be distinct and perhaps describe to us his authority or his pomposity...
I'd like you to try using Illustrator or the shapes tools in Photoshop as a means of generating some silhouettes for your characters, because at the moment you drawing people not designing actual characters and there's a big difference. Remember - you're design for animation - animation, in terms of design, likes strong memorable shapes and bold colour design.
So - in summary - consider the conflict issue, look at opportunities to direct your story more visually (letting the camera and editing work harder for your story), and reconsider 100% your approach to developing your characters - go bold and use different tools/methods for working them up.
OGR 07/02/18
ReplyDeleteHi Em,
Okay - so I've got a couple of observations to make - I think your story is pretty much there, though I do think there's a lack of actual conflict in your story, which comes from the fact that your two sisters are so understanding of each other from the very beginning. It makes me think why the two twins hadn't sorted this out before? Would it change your story very much if the cleaner twin was jealous of the other one - and sees an opportunity to pretend to be her (replace her) by perhaps causing the other twin to be unavailable for a performance? She performs badly - the ring-master fires her - Maisie feels bad - the twins realise their a stronger team together and you have your ending? It just feels all bit too reasonable and nice at the moment and I think that's always a bit of a problem for a 3 act story. Really, it's only a tweak, but if you make the twins rivals at the beginning, I think things become a bit more exciting and there's more tension in Act 2.
My instincts are there's too much dialogue - I think you could accomplish a lot of the communication of what your characters are thinking and feeling by showing it as opposed to having your characters tell the audience. Think about how Hitchcock created the scene between Marion and the stolen money when she was packing her suitcase. When I look at your storyboard, it feels a little bit like television - lots of characters talking to each other reasonably in rooms (and I think some of this is coming from the lack of conflict in your story). I don't want this to sound destructive - I suspect it's easier than you think to introduce some of these changes. I guess I don't think you're fully exploiting the fact this is 'for animation' - for example, the performance scenes could be comprised of many more shots to create the excitement of the act etc. And when Maisie's performance is bombing you could direct that moment to feel really 'subjective' - so making us worry about her because we know she could fall or get it wrong - cutting to the ring-master's puzzled expression, cutting to the faces in the crowds as they begin to boo or whatever, cutting back to Maisie's expression, cutting down to her feet on the rope... I think you could be having a bit more fun as the director here - and involving us in your shots a little more.
Finally - I want to say a few words about your approach to your designs. It does feel as if you're not actually applying some of Justin's principles in terms of use of shapes. To me, you're drawing people here, not designing characters (i.e. 2D representations of characters that you're designing to be 3D models one day). Your designs lack the necessary understanding of shape and structure which is why they are a bit generic and soft. It's also difficult for me to discern a 'time and place' in terms of where and when your characters are meant to be situated. My advice is you change up your method for visualising your characters - I think you need to stop sketching and painting, and start 'building' and 'constructing' - take a look at these design sheets from the Secret of Kells - when you look at them 'really' look at them and see how shape-based they are, and how simple those key shapes are, and then look at how the detailing is added in later:
ReplyDeletehttps://i.pinimg.com/originals/75/24/09/752409a2e48046f7db38171011953afd.jpg
https://static1.squarespace.com/static/54fc8146e4b02a22841f4df7/582c6362e4fcb5c5441f5137/582c64c037c5811822b321fc/1504026257696/secret_of_kells_size_comparison_13b_barry_reynolds.jpg
https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/thesecretofkells/images/2/20/Jacques_Reynolds_01.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130801173414
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dcVqjEGdnO8/Ttqs8I_AVHI/AAAAAAAAaaA/O606_mi0PaQ/s1600/secret_of_kells_barry_reynolds_aisling_01.jpg
I think your ring-master should be a very different 'shape' to your two twins, for example - he needs to be distinct and perhaps describe to us his authority or his pomposity...
I'd like you to try using Illustrator or the shapes tools in Photoshop as a means of generating some silhouettes for your characters, because at the moment you drawing people not designing actual characters and there's a big difference. Remember - you're design for animation - animation, in terms of design, likes strong memorable shapes and bold colour design.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ayig1SAakT4/TeEGoUznx0I/AAAAAAAADXA/g3NV5F8QMx4/s1600/villagers%2Blineup%2B1.jpg
So - in summary - consider the conflict issue, look at opportunities to direct your story more visually (letting the camera and editing work harder for your story), and reconsider 100% your approach to developing your characters - go bold and use different tools/methods for working them up.